So I was laying in bed last night trying to fall asleep and I had about a million and one thoughts running through my head. I'm still kicking myself for not writing them all down, but I'll do my best to remember them and hopefully I will make sense in my ramblings.
I've come to the realization that everyone grows up at different rates. Each individual person has been raised differently, has had different life experiences, and have dealth with those experiences in their own ways. This is what leads to such a range of maturity levels in any age group. I spent a lot of last night considering all of the things I have been through and the things I've seen my friends go through, there's a whole lot of hurt in this world! However, there is also happiness and love and friendship.
Let me get back to the point of this post... I am 22, it has been four years since I graduated high school and I've probably got another four years left of college. For now, I am midway between two major milestones. When I look back at the person I was in high school, and I consider the person I am now, I am shocked at the change. I have grown in ways I never expected. I have learned parenting skills without having a baby at 16. I have become a little more fashion forward than that dorky girl hiding in the yearbook room. I have lost some friends and I have gained some friends, unfortunately there's been more losing than gaining but that's ok. I have found the confidence and self assurance that I never possessed as a teenager. I look back at the awkward girl who was so worried about having the perfect high school experience and I'm so glad I didn't. I obtained the ability to see through the fake friends and the intelligence to hold on to the real ones.
So here I am, a nanny for the past four years, raising other people's children. I used to feel like I was watching every one else's lives fly by while mine remained in park. I was that stupid girl once, the one who let a boy mistreat me, who let a boy make me believe I wasn't good enough, that I had something to prove. Well that boy left me, as they all do, and I gained something from him that he'll probably never realize, I gained the ability to stand on my own two feet. At 22 years old I know that I will never rely on a man to make me happy. Sure I will be married one day and I hope to live a fulfilled life with whomever that man turns out to be, but I will never rely on only him to enrich my life because ultimately it is exactly that, MINE. I don't need someone constantly telling me how pretty I am or reassuring me that I'm not fat. When I get dressed I ask how my outfit looks, but I am happy with what I've chosen no matter what reaction it brings. I am leading my life the way I want to, I living for me and I am merely taking every one along with me.
I have developed a deep love for art in my life. As a kid I loved to draw, just basic colored pencils and a sketch pad. As an adult I have found that photography really captures the world in a way that those Crayolas never could. I have realized that a good book doesn't always consist of a princess being rescued by her knight and shining armor, there aren't always happy endings and that is ok. I have learned that cutting and pasting is still endless fun, but now I prefer to cut and paste things that really mean something. I can still see the innocent joy that cartoons bring to little girls and boys, but I have found that I prefer to watch shows and movies that touch me. I want to engross myself in things that make me laugh hysterically, cry like a baby, get angry as a bull, and inspire me to change the world. Cinderella just can't hold a candle to the real women who are making a difference every single day.
Being 22 in my world is being on the fence between childhood and the rest of my life. I am in no way perfect, I am still immature and naive in a number of ways. However, I can look ahead and know that those things will change one day too. I won't always get grumpy if I don't have at least one soda a day, well maybe I will! The point is that for me, 22 has changed me. 22 has made me realize that I am dying to be a mother. I want nothing more than to be in a happy, stable marriage where I am loved and accepted for everything that I am. I no longer have my heart set on being a teacher, I have opened my mind in the last six months to an array of careers that would all make me happy in one way or another. Maybe I'll grow up and become a copy editor for a major book publishing company, maybe I will enter the wild and crazy rhelm of talk radio, maybe I'll be a stay at home mom and try my hand at writing novels, or maybe, just maybe, I'll still end up a high school English teacher. Being 22 has given me the freedom to realize that it is my choice. Every single thing that happens in my life from here on out is my choice. I can't wait for every day of the rest of my life, because at 22, the possibilites are ENDLESS...
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